It is the 11th of May, 2011. My doctor has just informed me that my Jimmies are terminally rustled.
I had no idea how to react. Would any reaction I had be legitimate? Or would it be tainted by the state of my Jimmies?
I've been living with RJS (Rustled Jimmy Syndrome) for almost a year now. I've tried more "cures" than would intimidate even a cancer patient. At first I tried wearing a three-wolf shirt. It helped with my self-esteem, but it didn't do anything about my Jimmies. I even tried buying a $2,000 HDMI cable, hoping the multidimensional X-Rays that would be exuding from my television would be enough to unrustle my Jimmies on a molecular level. That was $2,000 wasted.
I had no hope. That is, until I found Gorilla Munch. The primary ingredient in Gorilla Munch, Love(tm), provided high enough levels of necessary nutrients to unrustle even my Jimmies! After consulting my doctor, I've received the news that the rustling in my Jimmies is in regression, and I should expect to have completely unrustled Jimmies by August 2012.
I cannot thank this cereal enough for what it's done for me.
Before buying the gorilla munch my jimmies were always rustled. Now all I can say is one bowl a day keeps the rustles away. 5/5
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I would really recommend this cereal for those who experience frequent rustling of their jimmies. When I feel like my jimmies are rustled or are soon going to be rustled, one bowl of Gorilla Munch amazingly unrustles them, much to my pleasure.
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Everyone knows the old saying: "A box on the table keeps my jimmies stable." But is that just more of an old wives tale, or does this archaic rhyme actually hold some truth to it?
I, like many others, had a tough time making it through the day. I would drag myself out of bed at 7'oclock, and sigh as I began my daily routine. Shave, shower, put on my suit, hastily eat a bowl of Cheerios, and then hurry out the door. That's when I would begin to feel my jimmies being rustled. Sitting there, stuck in traffic, as a BMW cuts me off. I finally pull into the parking lot, and somebody has stolen my usual parking spot. My jimmies become rustled even further. I get into the office, head to the break room to get a cup of coffee, and there's nothing left in the pot. It's only 9'oclock in the morning, and already my jimmies have been extremely rustled. By that point I figure my jimmies cannot be rustled even further, when my boss comes in and yells at me for only working 12 hours yesterday. What he doesn't know is how late I stayed up working my *ss off for him, only to have my wife walk in on me making cereal at 4'oclock in the morning. She asked me, with stress in her voice, what I was doing up that late and I reluctantly replied, "because I've lost control of my jimmies..." By lunch time, where they're always out of hamburgers, my jimmies lay on their deathbeds from the constant rustling.
I didn't think there was anything I could do. I had come to accept the fact that my jimmies may be eternally rustled, a condition my physician diagnosed as Rustled Jimmie Syndrome, or RJS. I looked on the internet for answers, but it seemed like nobody knew how I could keep my jimmies unrustled. Finally, somebody contacted me with a tip: "There is no need to be upset, try the cereal Gorilla Munch. A box on the table will keep your jimmies stable."
At that point, I was willing to try anything. I rushed to Whole Foods and found a box of Gorilla Munch. Even after just looking at the box, I could begin to feel my jimmies becoming unrustled. The gorilla on the front had such a calm look to him. I got home a placed the box on my kitchen table. That gorilla on the box seemed to stare in to my soul, as if trying to hush me, and plead with me, "Shh, no tears. Only dreams now." After my first bite of the delicious cereal, I could tell my jimmies were heading back to a peaceful, unrustled state.
The next morning I went through my normal routine, but this time, I munched on breakfast with my new gorilla friend and his amazing cereal. The world seemed brighter, as if that gorilla's laid-back, calming attitude had pulled a golden blanket of deliciousness over my jimmies and tucked them into bed. Suddenly, being cut-off didn't rustle my jimmies. They were no longer rustled by having my parking spot stolen, or even there being no hamburgers left at lunch. Even after a yelling from my boss, my jimmies remained unrustled.
I cannot recommend Gorilla Munch any more highly. I'm a new person. You cannot even imagine how unrustled my jimmies are.
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The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the rustling of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, unrustles the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the unrustler of jimmies. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to rustle and destroy My jimmies. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon rustlers.
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So, you're gluten free and you can't eat oats, and maybe there's a corn allergy and or incipient diabetes and all the gluten-free rice cereals have huge amounts of sugar, and what the heck can you eat for breakfast?
